Wednesday, September 7, 2016
Tuesday, September 6, 2016
My college group update 1 and a crush update 1
My first actual day of college was August 29th. I am a freshman now too. So far it's gone well. I need to do a better job of dealing with the homework efficiently. I would like it if I shared the same homework with someone and then we good work on math (an example) together. I met a good group of friends (although hesitant to say it) it has almost 15 people, but there is roughly 8 of us consistently. It's great we are really getting to know each other, and I them. I am also experience what I can describe as an outrageously strong crush. As far as the group is concerned 7 of them are most central to it from my subjective experience within it. (me not included)
1. Agent K - the leader of our marry little band (although she objects to that) She is a central charismatic leader, and she helps with most of our organization, although she I am having issues still with grasping her thought processes. Our relationship is a work in progress. I desire Friendship (to clarify)
2. Agent K-2 - One of the three most recent centralized editions to our group. He can best be described as K's replacement when she leaves the group. He is highly individualized and has an autistic brother so he has appeared to (as best I can describe) taken on a semi mentorship role (not my personal feeling) towards me, and has tened to provided insight to me, or suggestions this that etc. So has K to a lesser extent.
3. Agent M - He reminds me of the normal non Autistic variant of me, I like talking to him he is as intelligent if not more so then me (uncommon) but has a more advanced knowledge base. I very much wish to have intellectual conversations with him, but first must be self educated, and achieve guidance from him.
4. Agent C - I feel like i am on a pressure trigger near him. I like him as a person, but feel that something about me and ow I am different effects my relationship with him in a way that leads to him disliking me, I feel that if I could understand how to more properly mesh I could avoid any issues we may have.
5. Agent A - Appreciates My humor, is in a relationship with M, not much else to say, haven;t payed much attention to her compared to the others, but nothing negative, nor any worry, she just does her.
6. Agent F - While I don't really have a type, and while I have no interest in any physical relationship, nor do I feel that we ever be in a non-friend relationship. I still find her to be physically beautiful and while not sexually attracted to her at all, the extent to which I find her to be beautiful effect my social capacity with her, as such I am not as communicative with her as with the rest of the group, as the best way to describe it is simply as being intimidated.
7. Agent Prime (A-2) - I don't really know how to describe my interactions with her. She is the quite type, and this makes her hard for me to gauge her opinion of me let alone initiate a conversation that she is interested in let alone maintain it, and I don't want to just pressure her into talking (intentionally or not.) She is a nice person though, and while not beautiful enough to intimidate me, she is cute in a way that could have a partial sum of my interest in her. But I would still like her as a person regardless. With her being quite it and that leading to me not know as much of her opinion about me, (you know nigh impossible), it raises the question of "does she have an interest in me?". I am curious to know what year of College she is in and how old she is, as this may be beneficial to how to proceed (if she is has 2 more years then maybe a relationship is plausible, but if she is a Senior it will be nigh impossible, and as a Junior it would be highly iffy.) So I don't no how to approach the situation with her. I have taken to walking her and Agent K to their dorm from Agent K-2's, and while I am naturally a friendly person and may have chosen to do so; I can't help but wonder if my only actual motivation is out of wanting a relationship with her that is more than "just friends" and it is an emotional interpersonal thing, not just the physical, which I have no inclination towards in essentially any situation.
My crush as it were is a transient high and goodbye member of our group, and I am actually not sure how she is actually associated with it (if at all). I met her at the mandatory orientation weekend. We had a great time talking to her and would love to do so more, but she is an introvert, and she asked me for my number and gave I gave it to her. But since she was an introvert, I unintentionally overstepped the bounds and texted/ talked to much. As such she asked me to "for space" or essentially hey shut-up, and I essentially have, our lest actual communication was via the text, and I told her that when she was ready she had my number. As of right n ow it has been 6 days 6 hours and forty five minutes. She has not texted me. I am worried as that could imply no interest in doing so what so ever, and I don't want to take the lead for fear of upsetting her, or going against what she said. but I just paused and stared at my phone for 10 minutes before typing and waiting another ten nervously, and then I pressed send, I will make a new post soon about hte result if any. Right now I am so worried and am on the verge of tears do to exasperation, I don;t know why I have to crush so hard, and make my life difficult and complicated. I also feel i may have unintentionally given away the fact I like her, as I tend to be overly apologetic in coversation, and agonize over what I say to her way more than most.
1. Agent K - the leader of our marry little band (although she objects to that) She is a central charismatic leader, and she helps with most of our organization, although she I am having issues still with grasping her thought processes. Our relationship is a work in progress. I desire Friendship (to clarify)
2. Agent K-2 - One of the three most recent centralized editions to our group. He can best be described as K's replacement when she leaves the group. He is highly individualized and has an autistic brother so he has appeared to (as best I can describe) taken on a semi mentorship role (not my personal feeling) towards me, and has tened to provided insight to me, or suggestions this that etc. So has K to a lesser extent.
3. Agent M - He reminds me of the normal non Autistic variant of me, I like talking to him he is as intelligent if not more so then me (uncommon) but has a more advanced knowledge base. I very much wish to have intellectual conversations with him, but first must be self educated, and achieve guidance from him.
4. Agent C - I feel like i am on a pressure trigger near him. I like him as a person, but feel that something about me and ow I am different effects my relationship with him in a way that leads to him disliking me, I feel that if I could understand how to more properly mesh I could avoid any issues we may have.
5. Agent A - Appreciates My humor, is in a relationship with M, not much else to say, haven;t payed much attention to her compared to the others, but nothing negative, nor any worry, she just does her.
6. Agent F - While I don't really have a type, and while I have no interest in any physical relationship, nor do I feel that we ever be in a non-friend relationship. I still find her to be physically beautiful and while not sexually attracted to her at all, the extent to which I find her to be beautiful effect my social capacity with her, as such I am not as communicative with her as with the rest of the group, as the best way to describe it is simply as being intimidated.
7. Agent Prime (A-2) - I don't really know how to describe my interactions with her. She is the quite type, and this makes her hard for me to gauge her opinion of me let alone initiate a conversation that she is interested in let alone maintain it, and I don't want to just pressure her into talking (intentionally or not.) She is a nice person though, and while not beautiful enough to intimidate me, she is cute in a way that could have a partial sum of my interest in her. But I would still like her as a person regardless. With her being quite it and that leading to me not know as much of her opinion about me, (you know nigh impossible), it raises the question of "does she have an interest in me?". I am curious to know what year of College she is in and how old she is, as this may be beneficial to how to proceed (if she is has 2 more years then maybe a relationship is plausible, but if she is a Senior it will be nigh impossible, and as a Junior it would be highly iffy.) So I don't no how to approach the situation with her. I have taken to walking her and Agent K to their dorm from Agent K-2's, and while I am naturally a friendly person and may have chosen to do so; I can't help but wonder if my only actual motivation is out of wanting a relationship with her that is more than "just friends" and it is an emotional interpersonal thing, not just the physical, which I have no inclination towards in essentially any situation.
My crush as it were is a transient high and goodbye member of our group, and I am actually not sure how she is actually associated with it (if at all). I met her at the mandatory orientation weekend. We had a great time talking to her and would love to do so more, but she is an introvert, and she asked me for my number and gave I gave it to her. But since she was an introvert, I unintentionally overstepped the bounds and texted/ talked to much. As such she asked me to "for space" or essentially hey shut-up, and I essentially have, our lest actual communication was via the text, and I told her that when she was ready she had my number. As of right n ow it has been 6 days 6 hours and forty five minutes. She has not texted me. I am worried as that could imply no interest in doing so what so ever, and I don't want to take the lead for fear of upsetting her, or going against what she said. but I just paused and stared at my phone for 10 minutes before typing and waiting another ten nervously, and then I pressed send, I will make a new post soon about hte result if any. Right now I am so worried and am on the verge of tears do to exasperation, I don;t know why I have to crush so hard, and make my life difficult and complicated. I also feel i may have unintentionally given away the fact I like her, as I tend to be overly apologetic in coversation, and agonize over what I say to her way more than most.
A sort of blog summary.
Where to begin? what is the beginning? I don't know. Let's try Who am I? On the surface a college student in a smaller town, decently smart, and socially "different". Dig a little deeper? Sure, I have Aspergers, or according to the DSM-5(th update) it's technically autism, but it is different from most every other form. I tend to write more personal things more of a "flow of conscience." how do I feel well that's tough. This blog is for me, not you, not anyone, but me. I will basically have a public diary, although I wish to avoid those I know reading it of course. If at any time you suspect you know me please message me, or ask the person you know in real life. Let's just say we'll need to talk (not necessarily bad.)
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